The Legend of Chuck Norris.

[BoloMK30]

The legend of Chuck Norris

The Mighty Hulk wears his arm in a sling after trying to arm-wrestle Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knits sweaters out of steel rebar, and wears them.

The Soviet Union collapsed because Chuck Norris kicked the Berlin Wall over in 1989.

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gumballs, he chews ball-bearings.

Chuck Norris once had an awkward moment - just to know what it would feel like.

Chuck Norris once measured the Bermuda Triangle - and found out it was actually a parallelogram.

Chuck Norris is a lover, not a fighter. He's also a fighter though, so don't get any ideas.

If by some incredible Space-Time paradox Chuck Norris could ever fight himself, he would win. Period.

If Chuck Norris was a country, his main export would be pain.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to one,.... one roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth then boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris is the only known man who can actually punch you in the soul.

On undercover missions, instead of bombs, the Air Force drops photos of Chuck Norris flexing and everyone dies of fear.

On Halloween, superheros dress up like Chuck Norris.

When you think fear is gripping you, it's not fear, it's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't do comedy because no one has ever laughed at Chuck Norris and lived.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris was in a knife-fight last night; the knife lost.

When Chuck Norris drinks whiskey, he selects a 300-proof brand.

Chuck Norris never plays "chicken" with bad guys on the highway, he plays RHINO.

Chuck Norris' dog uses bowling balls for chew-toys.

Chuck Norris looks unshaven because no razor is tough enough!

Dodos are extinct because they once gave Chuck Norris a dirty look. Once.

Staring at Chuck Norris without proper eye protection can cause blindness,
and sometimes, foot-sized bruises on the face.

Chuck Norris doe not "style" his hair, it lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Rome was indeed built in a day, by Chuck Norris.

Contrary to popular belief, there IS enough Chuck Norris to go around.

If a tree falls in the forest, does anyone hear it? Chuck Norris hears it; he hears EVERYTHING.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a stove, oven, or microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold.

When Chuck Norris was born only the doctor cried; never slap Chuck Norris.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris, but usually they grow up
just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Jesus may walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

There is no such thing as global warming; Chuck Norris felt chilly, so he turned the sun up a little.

How much wood would a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could Chuck Norris? ALL OF IT.

Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris had a cat once... It tasted like chicken!

Chuck Norris is 1/8 Indian. That has nothing to do with ancestry, he just had an Apache for dinner last night.

Chuck Norris does not have parents, he always existed.

If Chuck Norris could die he would get reincarnated as himself.

Chuck Norris never wears a bullet proof vest, bullets simply avoid him;
he never carries an umbrella either since raindrops do likewise.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. .

When Chuck Norris does push ups, he is actually bench pressing the Earth.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

If you can see Chuck he can see you. If you can't see Chuck you could be seconds away from a roundhouse death.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

The Boogey Man checks under his bed every night for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' laugh can raise the dead; of course, he never laughs.

An asteroid didn't wipe out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago, it was,....
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully-loaded revolver,
and won!

Chuck Norris loves eating lizard legs, hence; snakes.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a bad guy so hard that his foot broke
light-speed, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart over the Pacific.

Chuck Norris refuses the needle when donating blood; he requests a handgun
and a bucket.

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer...too bad he doesn't cry.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire birthday cake before his friends could tell him
that there was a stripper inside.

There is no such thing as evolution; just the animals that Chuck Norris lets live.

Superman cries himself to sleep at night after watching Walker, Texas
Ranger.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris once shot down a MiG just by pointing his index finger at it and yelling "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

Some Nigerians once tried to scam Chuck Norris; Chuck ended up having
clear title to the African continent.

We have never been invaded by the ferocious Galactic Empire because
they've heard about Chuck Norris.

Nuclear weapons do not exist; governments just play recordings of Chuck Norris' taco farts.

The United States Army once armed two complete infantry divisions with
a small part of Chuck Norris' gun collection. Including artillery, Bradley AFVs,
and Apache helicopters.

...Some Oklahoma outlaws were sitting around their campfire on the plains.
They see this cloud of dust on the horizon getting bigger and closer.
They watch and slowly see it's a big man riding a buffalo. As he approaches, they see he's whipping the buffalo with a rattlesnake.

He rides up to their camp, halts the buffalo, tosses the rattlesnake, and asks,..."whats on the spit?"

"Rabbit" they tell him.

He grabs it off the fire and tears into it ravenously. Then grabs the coffee pot and drinks from it, scalding hot. Jumps back on the buffalo.
"Gotta go! There's one mean son of a bitch chasing me! His name's Chuck Norris!"

[BoloMK30]

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick).

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

There was once a street named Chuck Norris, but they had to change it. No one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Magnetic north is actually the world being pulled toward Chuck Norris.

Some NFA firearms actually have FOUR settings: Safe, Fire, Auto, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' orgasms leave exit wounds.

Using Chuck Norris-rated ammunition will void your Glock's warranty.

Legal texts claim there are four sources of American law: the Constitution, common law, administrative regulations, and Chuck Norris.

Russians have a cultural fable about Chuck Norris' birth.
They call it the Tunguska Event.

It used to be called the ATFCN...
...but they realized there's no way to regulate Chuck Norris.

It's a closely-held secret that tritium is actually Chuck Norris' "essence."

When Chuck Norris makes a list, it checks itself twice.

Chuck Norris can palm a medicine ball.

Chuck Norris found a word that rhymes with purple.

[BoloMK30]

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist.

[Shanemac]

Fact: Chuck Norris is a little faggot that I myself could probably beat in a fight.

Fit that one into your silly little jokes.

[SmokeOnTheWater]

Shane, you're not thinking of putting that to the test by any chance?

[westie]

Originally Posted by SmokeOnTheWater

Shane, you're not thinking of putting that to the test by any chance?

after a few more beers.

[SmokeOnTheWater]

I invited Chuck to the forum, but he refused. He said, "does that guy Shanemac still post there?"

[Shanemac]

Originally Posted by SmokeOnTheWater

I invited Chuck to the forum, but he refused. He said, "does that guy Shanemac still post there?"

Mufucka scared....

[il ragno]

I am a Crime Fighting Master Criminal, I'm fuel-injected! I'm a fission reactor, I fart plutonium, my droppings bore through the earth and erupt volcanoes; when they plug me in, the lights go out in China! I achieved `Nirvana' and took it home with me; I'll live forever and remember it afterwards! I eat black holes for breakfast - I'm insured for acts o' God and Satan! I am a god damn visionary, I see the future and the past in comic books and wine bottles; Heathen Hindoos cringe at my tread!

Yes baby, I'm 13 feet tall and have 23 rows o' teeth; I was suckled by a triceratops! I wipe the Pyramids off my shoes before I enter my house! I pay no taxes! Come on and give me cancer, I'll spit up the tumor and butter my bread with the juice! I circumcize pterodactyls with my teeth and make 'em leave a tip; I drank Jesus under 23 tables! I don't give a fuck if there's life after death, I am too supernatural to die!

I'm a bacteriological weapon, I am armed and loaded! I bend crowbars with the sheer force of my mighty will! I do it for fun - fuck 'em if they can't take a joke! I left my sweat on the Rock of Ages, ran God out of Heaven and sold it to Hell for a profit! I take drugs! I think backwards! I'm thicker, harder and meaner than the Alaskan Pipeline, and carry more seed!

I swam across Asia and never got wet - let the Alien Jews bear witness! I weigh 42 pounds in zero gravity, come and get me! I've sired space monsters across the corporate galaxy, I'll freeze your spew before it hits the bathroom tile! I'll drive a mile so as not to walk a foot! I change tires with my tongue and my tool! I am a human being of the first GOD DAMN water, and I cook and eat my dead! Anything for a laugh! YEEE HAW!

[Happy Go Lucky]

Originally Posted by il ragno

I am a Crime Fighting Master Criminal, I'm fuel-injected! I'm a fission reactor, I fart plutonium, my droppings bore through the earth and erupt volcanoes; when they plug me in, the lights go out in China! I achieved `Nirvana' and took it home with me; I'll live forever and remember it afterwards! I eat black holes for breakfast - I'm insured for acts o' God and Satan! I am a god damn visionary, I see the future and the past in comic books and wine bottles; Heathen Hindoos cringe at my tread!

Yes baby, I'm 13 feet tall and have 23 rows o' teeth; I was suckled by a triceratops! I wipe the Pyramids off my shoes before I enter my house! I pay no taxes! Come on and give me cancer, I'll spit up the tumor and butter my bread with the juice! I circumcize pterodactyls with my teeth and make 'em leave a tip; I drank Jesus under 23 tables! I don't give a fuck if there's life after death, I am too supernatural to die!

I'm a bacteriological weapon, I am armed and loaded! I bend crowbars with the sheer force of my mighty will! I do it for fun - fuck 'em if they can't take a joke! I left my sweat on the Rock of Ages, ran God out of Heaven and sold it to Hell for a profit! I take drugs! I think backwards! I'm thicker, harder and meaner than the Alaskan Pipeline, and carry more seed!

I swam across Asia and never got wet - let the Alien Jews bear witness! I weigh 42 pounds in zero gravity, come and get me! I've sired space monsters across the corporate galaxy, I'll freeze your spew before it hits the bathroom tile! I'll drive a mile so as not to walk a foot! I change tires with my tongue and my tool! I am a human being of the first GOD DAMN water, and I cook and eat my dead! Anything for a laugh! YEEE HAW!

That is sick!!!